Posted September 8th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
I will be in GREELEY, COLORADO this Saturday night (9/12)–raising money for the High Plains Library–come on out! One important note: Usually, when I speak, there will be a local bookseller there with my books and a portion of the sales are donated to the organization I’m speaking for–but in this case, the venue where the event is being held takes a percentage of anything sold on its premises –so it wouldn’t help the library to sell books there. SO–NO BOOKS WILL BE SOLD AT THIS EVENT–BUT I WILL BE SIGNING AFTERWARDS–so, bring your old books with you and/or visit your local bookstore and purchase your books ahead of time and bring them.
Here’s the info on the event:
Union Colony Civic Center
701 10th Avenue
Greeley, CO 80631
For Tickets Call: Melissa Jensen, 970-590-9881
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Posted September 5th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
LAWSY–it SHO’ IS A HAPPY DAY! An ENtire day, devoted to the Appreciation of Bacon. Let us think porcine thoughts and proudly partake of pig parts prepared perfectly until we are practically porky!
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Posted September 2nd, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
We must all do our part to raise money and awareness to put an end (in our lifetime) to the CURSE OF PURSE MOUTH! I am envisioning some sort of telethon that goes on endlessly. Who could we get to be our SPOKESUCKER? WHO REEEEALLY SUCKS??
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Posted September 1st, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
Ok, if you’re under 40–in my opinion, you’re LARVA–and you have no idea how fast you are hurtling toward hideous but I am here to try to help you, best I can. SURELY you already KNOW better than to SMOKE–I’m giving you THAT much credit. Of course, I know it looks cool when you’re young and yes, it’s very fun to do–but it looks HORRIBLE when you’re old (which you will be SOOOO SOOOON!) and then it’s reeeally hard to quit–and no matter how cool it looks, no matter how much fun it is to do–it does STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN and there IS the pesky problem of…DEATH. Hardly seems worth it when you think about all those things–but when you also factor in PURSE MOUTH–well! It’s a wonder they can even SELL a cigarette these days.
PURSE MOUTH, if you’re larva and ig’nint, is all those LINES around your mouth–like if you’re whistling–or smoking–all those vertical lines around your mouth? Well, as you get OLDER–which, by the way, even YOU are doing every single day, larvettes–when you get older–the lines become PERM-A-NENT! They become WRANKLES–all around your mouth hole and they just look AWFUL and NOTHING CAN FIX THEM–there is no cure–once you got ‘em, you got ‘em. Forever.
Well, as I said, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on the whole stupid smoking thing–and I’m gonna also assume that you are able to resist excessive WHISTLING–but you also have got to give up drinking through STRAWS–from this moment on–whatever liquid you’re imbibing: drink it directly from the glass, have it poured down your throat, lap it from a bowl like a DOG–but DO NOT USE A STRAW–OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!
You’re welcome.
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Posted August 31st, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
Since everybody Bailey knows is already sick, they are just piling up, watching movies and moaning–hilarious. Anybody who can still stand has to go to the drugstore for everybody else. They have sort of “self-quarantined.” It’s just like a hurricane party only everybody ALREADY feels like crap–and they all WISH they would die–instead of getting drunk and pretending they’re not about to! Designated soup-heaters, tea-makers, DVD-changers and lots of group naps. Sounds kinda like mat-time in kindergarten!
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Posted August 30th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
She’s at Ole Miss–they’re not even sending it off to see if it’s H1N1–they’re just treating everybody–and I mean EVERYBODY, from what she said–and telling them to stay in their rooms. They were instructed to e-mail the Dean if they tested positive–apparently, when it hits 40%they’ll cancel classes. From the sound of the ER, I’d give that about 15 more minutes! She said it was a ZOO. We offered to drive up and get her but she’s afraid for us to catch it–since we have Mama here and all. Kyle told her he’d wear a respirator and gloves if she wanted to come home but she’s being Vewwy Bwave–at the moment.
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Posted August 28th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
I was in Biloxi, Ms. AT THE BEAU RIVAGE (MORE ABOUT THEM IN A SECOND) yesterday speaking at a fundraiser for the PINK HEART FUNDS–this group was started by JoAn Nicely, a local beautician, after Katrina, when she noticed a number of folks she knew were cancer patients NOT wearing their wigs. Katrina had taken them, of course, and it was just ONE MORE THING that INSURANCE WOULD NOT PAY TO REPLACE. So, JoAn started making cookies and taking them to her shop to sell–taking the money to buy wigs for those folks.
Well, it’s grown now into a big ALL-VOLUNTEER organization and JoAn raises money AND COLLECTS PONYTAILS to make wigs FOR CHILDREN WITH CANCER. Now you KNOW how we feel about THE CHIRREN! When she first started, it took her a year to collect 1000 ponytails–now she gets 100 A WEEK! So, if you’re growing your hair for a cancer cause–PLEASE CONSIDER GIVING IT TO THE PONYTAIL CLUB OF THE PINK HEARTS FUNDS on the Gulf Coast of Ms. E-mail me, I’ll put you it touch with JoAn.
Pink Hearts also provides breast prostheses and lymphedema sleeves for women who can’t afford them. JoAn discovered, after Katrina, there were women wearing prostheses with mold and mildew, held together by duct tape–but insurance wouldn’t pay!
This is an amazing organization, headed by a truly amazing woman, JoAn–who, in the middle of all her good works and trying to recover from Katrina herownself–got diagnosed with breast cancer–and it never slowed her down for a second. God love her.
HERE’S THE DEAL WITH THE BEAU RIVAGE: We had a fabulous luncheon, champagne, the whole nine-yards, in one of their beautiful restaurants–and THEY DONATED IT ALL. In all the years I’ve been speaking at all the different kinds of fundraisers, all over the country–I have never, to my knowledge, been to one where the facility, food and beverages were FREE to the organization. So here’s to the Beau! If you’re gonna participate in “gaming”–PLEASE DO IT AT THE BEAU RIVAGE!
And don’t be naggin’ ‘em to do free stuff for your group now that I’ve told this–they do it for PINK HEARTS because of JoAnn, Katrina, the amazing work that Pink Hearts does and the fact that NOBODY on the staff of Pink Hearts is paid–not even JoAnn.
If you’re headin’ to the Coast–go by the Beau and have dinner, shop in their boutiques, get a massage, play all their games–just show THEM some support to say THANKS for this TRULY GOOD WORK. LOVE THEM–MEAN IT.
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Posted August 19th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
The Squealers Boat is a fairly large pontoon but–no potty on board…Out in SWUMP, gator-, skeeter-, and snake-infested swump, middle of the night–who knows how long it will take those fools to actually FIND and snag their two gators. (Remember, first they have to get a “runt”–4-7ft and THEN, they can and you better believe they WILL, go after a Big Un.) We could be out there for HOURS. We will be nervous as all get-out–WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY CATCH ONE? CRAP! I’m thinking the Squealers are gonna have over-active bladders from launch-time on.
LUCKILY, I just HAPPEN to have (since Mama moved in) about 40 truckloads of DEPENDS and I totally think the girls (all the Squealers plus the one hunter) should wear them. Leigh and I were discussing it today though and never having worn them, we don’t feel utterly confident in just “relaxing” to that extent–especially since Leigh’s new gator-huntin’ mochine boyfriend will be there. It would be unseemly, so early in the relationship, to have one’s boots (or crocs) fill up with pee in his presence. Truth be told, NONE of us would feel good about it–being on either the pee-filled shoe end of the deal or the spectator side. So, we’re thinking that all the Coochie Sprangs Gator Huntin’ girls need to have a pre-hunt gathering at which we will consume massive quantities of an assortment of liquids–while wearing Depends–and we will Test The Waters, as it were–specifically to see if OUR waters can be contained safely within the pull-ups.
In any event, wear black.
The BOYS can just whip out and whiz over the side–and WE PROMISE we will neither watch (with our nightvision goggles) NOR will we switch on the aircraft landing light. TRUST US!
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Posted August 17th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
Queen Ellyn–from Pendleton, Oregon–is flying in for the Gator Hunt. She’s really doing it to escape briefly from being pecked to death by a duck–which is HER OWN sick Mama–her Mama has been sick way longer than mine–BUT-HERS IS NOT IN HER HOUSE–in her VERY ROOM–so I think she’s somewhat of a weenie but I am TICKLED TO DEATH that she’s gonna be with us! I mean, really–you KNOW being the Sole Caregiver SUCKS–when flying 2000 miles to come to Mississippi–when it’s still HOT as the hammered down hinges–to go out in a boat, to a SWAMP in the middle of the NIGHT–to ON PURPOSE try to hunt up an ALLIGATOR–seems like a RELIEF. That right there is what you call ANY EXCUSE, JUST GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE FOR AWHILE! And I feel you, hunny–I’ll be on that boat, too!
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Posted August 14th, 2009 by Jill Conner Browne
Oh yeah, after YEARS of crushing disappointments, we FINALLY “WON” a chance to go out, in a boat, in a SWAMP, in the middle of the night, on purpose, to SEEK OUT large alligators. LUCK-Y, LUCK-Y, LUCK-Y, I’m sayin’! Whoo-hoo! Hoo-ray for us! There will be video. Barring any Unfortunate Eating Accidents, it should be some of THE funniest footage EVER assembled.
Details to follow–but one of the most intriguing aspects of this whole thing to ME, personally, is the Rule that says the gator must first be RESTRAINED (tied up)–BEFORE you are allowed to “dispatch” it. Two thoughts: The restraining part seems to give a decided advantage to the gator. And ”Dispatch?” Apparently, we gator hunters are far too refined to use any words that produce mental images of “death.”
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