You’ve seen the Schedule of Events for the Big Giant Million Queen March™ Weekend—and if you haven’t, it’s on the Parade Page of the website. All the details are there regarding dates, times, music, transportation, etc. Also, check out all the News postings.
Here is just SOME of what we plan to do to raise $$ for Blair E. Batson Children’s Hospital. We set the bar pretty high last year! Keep in mind our motto is, as always,
“ANYTHANG FOR THE CHIRREN!”
Before I go any further, let’s pause a minute in humble gratitude to our beloved sponsors without whom your Weekend Passes would be at least $900 each: FireFly® Sweet Tea Vodka, Pepsi, Michelob ULTRA, Comcast, and Clear Channel Radio.
We are so excited about Renaissance Rockin’ The Queens, the Big Hat Luncheon™ at BRAVO! Italian Restaurant and as always, the Fat Mama’s Knock You Naked Margarita Party at the Everyday Gourmet. And many thanks to Cathy Nail for lining up Mississippi Singers/Songwriters to entertain us as we gather on Thirsty Thursday at the Hilton-Jackson.
Parade Virgins: The Hilton sponsors the Door Decoration Contest—so be prepared to do all manner of stuff to your door—they encourage it.
We also loooove our BSCI Bus Drivers—who drink Pepsi—so YOU can drink Firefly® and Mich ULTRA without worry about driving!
If you have ONE drink, don’t even get near your car!
Ok, right off the bat, let me just tell you that we cannot have Jello Wrasslin’ this year. Since we are going last in the Parade, it will prolly be dark-thirty by the time we all get back from downtown and you just cannot Jello Wrassle in the dark. Never fear, Jello Wrasslin’ WILL be back—just not this year—but we think we’ve come up with some alternative activities that will prove to be equally ridiculous and entertaining.
FRIDAY NIGHT at the Firefly® Sweet Tea Vodka SPQ™ Ball, we will AUCTION OFF the various body parts of my own personal husband, The Cutest Boy in the World—for shaving. His HEAD is included. Certain Other Parts are NOT and I think you know what those are. LEGS, ARMS, CHEST—all Fair Game. (He has no hair on his back—I made sure of that before I married him, of course—but if you want to “purchase” it, you’re welcome to rub shaving cream on it.) We will provide the “Winners” with shaving cream and razors and he will willingly submit to this because I assured him we could raise a LOT MORE $$ if we WAXED him instead—so he’s pretty tickled about being shaved. ATTN: ABC Board. There will NOT be a thong involved!
SATURDAY NIGHT during the Michelob ULTRA SPQ™ Pearls & PJ’s™ Party and the Pepsi Karaoke Kontest—we will have TCBITW corralled for tattooing. Yes, you may purchase an O-fficial SPQ™ Tattoo and apply it, your veryownself, to the freshly shorn body parts of The Cutest Boy in the World (Certain parts excluded as previously discussed. Attempts to circumvent this rule will be met by ME.) We want to cover him COMPLETELY in tattoos, of course, FOR THE CHIRREN. Think how their little faces will light up with delight when they see him, in Top to Toe Technicolor—won’t that be sweet?!
Also on SATURDAY NIGHT—another tattoo event! Parade Virgins may not be aware of this, but one of our Very Favorite Spud Studs is Randall Wallace—the brilliant writer of Braveheart, We Were Soldiers, Man in the Iron Mask and Pearl Harbor and who just finished directing a film for Disney about Secretariat, the Greatest Horse Who Ever Lived—but to us, he’s KILTBOY. He marches with us in the Parade every year, BRAVELY wearing his Clan Wallace kilt and he looooves all the Queens. The ONLY thing closer to the heart of Kiltboy than the Queens is, of course, THE CHIRREN and so this year, he has unselfishly volunteered his time and talent to manning the Tatts for Tots Booth. You may purchase an O-fficial SPQ™ Tattoo and the brave and goodheated Kiltboy will hisveryownself PUT THE TATTOO ON YOU. There is an O-fficial Location for placement of these tattoos; although, he expects requests for variations on that theme. Kiltboy is nothing if not amenable. His stated goal is to “personally tattoo every Queen in attendance, no matter how long it takes.” His devotion to the Chirren is very moving.
The Stripper Pole will be back (and no, we do NOT strip—only twirl!) Twenty-five-cents per turn or you can purchase the popular Weekend Pole Pass for unlimited twirling. (When Aunt Faye approaches the Pole, all are expected to yield the right of way.)
The B*tch Box will be back—and some of you still owe from last year—you know who you are! For Virgins, the way this works is: if you feel the need/desire to say anything bad to/about someone else, you must put a quarter into the B*tch Box—OR you can buy the Weekend B*tch Pass and just let fly, unfettered, the whole time. This is a bargain, for sure!
New This Year: A Bastid Tree! You can purchase a “leaf” and write upon it the NAME OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL BASTID—along with a brief synopsis of his Bastidly Behavior, if you so desire. We expect to have a VERY FULL TREE!
In the interest of at least appearing to care about attempting to be Fair to the Men in Attendance: There will also be a (much smaller) B*tch Bush—with (much smaller and far more expensive) “leaves,” because, of course, the instances of Female Misbehavior are much less frequent and certainly nowhere near as egregious as that of the Bastids. Am I right, or what? Of course.)
There will be a Big A** Crown Raffle. Protection will be provided to the winner if it happens to be anybody other than Robin Mitchell, who buys about $800 worth of tickets every year and never wins and she’s getting a mite testy about it.
Most of y’all are familiar with my Ugly Shoes—the pink/camo croc-like abominations that were abandoned on my front porch—they have been photographed in many parts of the country on many different feets. You will have a chance to HAVE YOUR PHOTO MADE IN THE UGLY SHOES—great Christmas card! And just keep telling yourself: IT’S FOR THE CHIRREN! IT’S FOR THE CHIRREN! I mean, if Kyle will allow himself to be shaved and tattooed—you can certainly put an Ugly Shoe on your foot for 10 seconds! And poor Kiltboy—if he can put countless tattoos on countless bosoms FOR THE CHIRREN—then YOU can suck it up and put on an UGLY SHOE for them. (Jeffrey Gross—of JEFFREY DOLLBEAR fame—will be assisting you with Posing.)
If you do not participate in all of these carefully thought out and well-orchestrated,
not to mention dignified, fundraising efforts for
Blair E. Batson Children’s Hospital, well then,
what you are saying to the world is:
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE CHIRREN!”
Saturday morning, we want EVERYBODY to be QUEENED-UP for a Class of 2010 Photo. Here’s the plan: at 10:30 AM all Parade Veterans (more commonly know as Parade Sluts) should line both sides of the big hall that runs from the front to the back of the Hilton. All Parade Virgins gather in the Hilton lobby. When directed to do so, all Virgins PARADE DOWN THE CENTER OF THE HALL and out to the parking lot for the photo. This will give us the opportunity to properly Welcome All Our Precious Virgins Into The Queendom.
Please bring a photo of your group with you and on it write your Chapter Name and Hometown and State. We want to post these on the wall in the SPQ™ Store—Southern Bell will be manning the Wannabe™ Booth as always. Southern Belle is great at helping you meet up with Queens from all over as well as dispensing M&M’s.
Actually, I DO have a Pretty Entertaining Fall-Back Plan regarding Jello Wrasslin’—but I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet!
Regarding Pearls & PJs™, I think I MAY have crossed Some Line with our outfits this year. Suffice it to say, you will see us coming from a LONG way off.…
Weekend Passes, Big Hat™ Reservations, and Sunday Bathrobe Brunch™ Tickets
They will cost more once you get here!
And one more time: NOTHING WILL BE MAILED OUT—YOU GET ‘EM WHEN YOU GET HERE!
IT’S NEARLY TIME!!!
I’ll be in CHATTANOOGA, TN, next Friday, 5 March. I’m speaking at a fundraiser for the T.C. Thompson Children’s Hospital. You’ll be helping the chirren AND you’ll have a chance to win one of my BIG-A** Larry Vrba crowns!