URGENT BULLETIN: STRAWS CAUSE INCURABLE PURSE MOUTH!
Posted September 1st, 2009 by Jill Conner BrowneOk, if you’re under 40–in my opinion, you’re LARVA–and you have no idea how fast you are hurtling toward hideous but I am here to try to help you, best I can. SURELY you already KNOW better than to SMOKE–I’m giving you THAT much credit. Of course, I know it looks cool when you’re young and yes, it’s very fun to do–but it looks HORRIBLE when you’re old (which you will be SOOOO SOOOON!) and then it’s reeeally hard to quit–and no matter how cool it looks, no matter how much fun it is to do–it does STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN and there IS the pesky problem of…DEATH. Hardly seems worth it when you think about all those things–but when you also factor in PURSE MOUTH–well! It’s a wonder they can even SELL a cigarette these days.
PURSE MOUTH, if you’re larva and ig’nint, is all those LINES around your mouth–like if you’re whistling–or smoking–all those vertical lines around your mouth? Well, as you get OLDER–which, by the way, even YOU are doing every single day, larvettes–when you get older–the lines become PERM-A-NENT! They become WRANKLES–all around your mouth hole and they just look AWFUL and NOTHING CAN FIX THEM–there is no cure–once you got ‘em, you got ‘em. Forever.
Well, as I said, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on the whole stupid smoking thing–and I’m gonna also assume that you are able to resist excessive WHISTLING–but you also have got to give up drinking through STRAWS–from this moment on–whatever liquid you’re imbibing: drink it directly from the glass, have it poured down your throat, lap it from a bowl like a DOG–but DO NOT USE A STRAW–OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!
You’re welcome.
15 Responses to “URGENT BULLETIN: STRAWS CAUSE INCURABLE PURSE MOUTH!”
September 1st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Thank you!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
My sweet sister is so kind not to reveal where she learned that straws will do this to you. It’s me. I quit smoking – backpats for that – and then took up sucking things thru straws – into my mouth not my nose. Did it for several years – til too late. But I quit it anyway. A lot of things suck in this world, but I am NOT one of them – anymore. If you grin like a fool all the time, it stretches them out and you can’t tell. Do that. I do.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
amen, sister! ahhh, make that sisters!! here’s to all that fool-like grinnin’… xoxo
September 1st, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Holy CHIT! I don’t smoke, but DAMN I love a straw!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I have not smoked for many many years and don’t do straws much, but over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed one REALLY.BIG.WRINKLE. I have almost taken to my bed because of it.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Well, now I know what caused all them many many little tiny wrinkles around my mouth. But, I’ma feared the straw maybe be as hard a thing to give up as cigs. And, since I ALREADY have all these wrinkles I’ll have to contemplate what I shall do. However at my age I really don’t like given up anything cause it’s usually not fun. But a big thank you for the info cause it is ALWAYS appreciated and loved.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I used to smoke, got the wrinkles. I used to snort, got the brain damage, I used sip through a straw, got the wrinlkles again.
damn sounds like a blues brothers song.
I guess I will have to start lapping like a dawg. wonder how pinot noir tastes ah la lap
September 1st, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Oh lawdy, I already have a purse mouth I am sad to say. Thank goodness my lickstick doesnt run up to my nose. Thats real ugly. I did quit the nasty habit. Im proud to say thank ye very much; I never really liked straws so Im safe there. I do appreciate the queenly advise.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:36 pm
OH FOR PETE’S SAKE! I CANNOT GO WITHOUT A STRAW! That is how I keep my teeth so dang white! This really sucks, I am gonna have to contemplate for awhile about this. DANGIT…I am sitting here slurping through a straw RIGHT NOW. I won’t be 40 until November 21. Can I use a straw until then? Kinda wean myself off of it real slow like.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
Well, shit. If anybody needs me, I’ll be sittin’ here trying to invent a reasonable way to ingest chocolate shakes without having to use a spoon, as it is My Personal Belief that shake drinkage should only require a maximum of one hand.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
love all the replies above…. even snorted a few times reading this. Guess I’m gonna have to go with Judy’s suggestion and just smile all the damn time. I quit smoking 10 years ago, don’t use a straw very much (except while drinking a chocolate milkshake)…….MY problem is whistling and YES I have noticed what it does to the mouth !!!! Lordy I catch myself now every time I start to belt out a tune while whistling. And I believe it’s worse when you have NO lips………GEEZ, getting older sucks a big one !!!
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I have a friend who has a whistling disorder –
she does it constantly. It’s like an early alert
warning when she comes into the area.
And yes, severe case of purse mouth on that one.
Be warned! Lucy Lawrence
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Pippa, I think lapping would actually be the PREFERRED method of consuming any RED wine–it needing the extry breathing time and all. I’m sure it will catch on–they will come out with WINE BOWLS very soon.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:41 am
Well, when I read this, I did get a bit worried. I even put down my refreshing beverage (with teeny-tiny cocktail straw) and I thought a bit. Then I resumed my beverage sucking, with my fingers on my upper-lip region (ulr) and I realized that my ulr did not compress into wrinkles because I employ a bit of tongue action in my beverage sucking. See, that’s the secret–a little bit of tongue. Tightens up the chin sag, too.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Well, I’m no longer a smoker and have never been much of a strawer. This is good advise. I ALWAYS notice people with Purse Mouth.