PRE-GATOR HUNT “DEPENDS” TRIALS
Posted August 19th, 2009 by Jill Conner BrowneThe Squealers Boat is a fairly large pontoon but–no potty on board…Out in SWUMP, gator-, skeeter-, and snake-infested swump, middle of the night–who knows how long it will take those fools to actually FIND and snag their two gators. (Remember, first they have to get a “runt”–4-7ft and THEN, they can and you better believe they WILL, go after a Big Un.) We could be out there for HOURS. We will be nervous as all get-out–WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY CATCH ONE? CRAP! I’m thinking the Squealers are gonna have over-active bladders from launch-time on.
LUCKILY, I just HAPPEN to have (since Mama moved in) about 40 truckloads of DEPENDS and I totally think the girls (all the Squealers plus the one hunter) should wear them. Leigh and I were discussing it today though and never having worn them, we don’t feel utterly confident in just “relaxing” to that extent–especially since Leigh’s new gator-huntin’ mochine boyfriend will be there. It would be unseemly, so early in the relationship, to have one’s boots (or crocs) fill up with pee in his presence. Truth be told, NONE of us would feel good about it–being on either the pee-filled shoe end of the deal or the spectator side. So, we’re thinking that all the Coochie Sprangs Gator Huntin’ girls need to have a pre-hunt gathering at which we will consume massive quantities of an assortment of liquids–while wearing Depends–and we will Test The Waters, as it were–specifically to see if OUR waters can be contained safely within the pull-ups.
In any event, wear black.
The BOYS can just whip out and whiz over the side–and WE PROMISE we will neither watch (with our nightvision goggles) NOR will we switch on the aircraft landing light. TRUST US!
16 Responses to “PRE-GATOR HUNT “DEPENDS” TRIALS”
August 19th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
And I assume they come in Queen-size (snort)?
August 19th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Love it!!!
August 19th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Just for backup: take a big bucket, one of those plastic pickle buckets would be good and a blanket or maybe a dark colored sheet, since it’s so damned hot. Are you getting that most attractive picture?
August 19th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Whatcha need is a little product called UriFemme. It’s a disposable funnel so’s that we girlie types can take a whiz standing up. I think it was originally designed for cross country skiers in a more reusable material, but come on, who REALLY wants to carry around a pee soaked funnel in their purse? Or for that matter, who really wants to go cross country skiing? There’s sweating involved and the attire isn’t all that flattering. If you need a good laugh, check it out:
http://www.urinationfunnel.com/
August 19th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
And inexpensive too! Only about a buck apiece. But WAIT! Buy the twelve pack and save even more! Bwwaaaahaaaa!
August 19th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I can not wait for video of this funfest. However, Gators? In Jackson? Oh, where are my smelling salts?
August 19th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Anyone remember that astronaut that drove cross-country to main/murder her ex-boyfriend’s current? She wore Depends and I believe they just held up perfectly!
This is going to be such a laugh fest, I think y’all might scare off the gators.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Re: Urinationfunnel
OMG! I have now officially heard of everything I care to know about. This is the funniest thing ever!
I have some friends that participated in the gator hunt and the funny part is that the gator has to be placed inside the boat before it is “put out of his misery” because if they are killed in the water they will sink. So, they must be bound or “tied up” first then dragged over into the vessel. Now I was thinking about this and if one shoots the gator with a gun, what is to stop the bullet from going through the gator and on through the boat leaving a hole? Now the hole will certainly allow the boat to take on water and then the boat will sink. Then all of those on board are now gator bait for the remaining pissed off gators. This is why I will not be participating in the new sporting event in LA/Lower Alabama.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Queen Carolyn–WHY do you think I will be in the SQUEALER BOAT?! Hunters think of nothing but killin’ somethin’–anythang–but SQUEALERS think about CONSEQUENCES–and CONVENIENCE–and COMFORT.
Queen Seester Judy–or we could just take a big trash bag to go under that sheet. I have heard, on the Highest Authority in MY Life, that such can be quite efficient. And then we could “hide” it in somebody special’s garbage, oh wait, that’s the front porch!
August 20th, 2009 at 9:54 am
HONEY YOU NEED TO CHECK WITH QUEEN DEBBIE (OF THE SPQ SPARKLY QUEEN’S CLASSYMATES PARADE DEPENDS) BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE HAS ALL THE LOW DOWN ON THE WHEN YOU GOTTA GO YOU GOTTA GO!! I KNOW YOU’D NEVER USE THE ONE WE GAVE YOU SO I THINK AFTER ALL MY YEARS AS A GIRL SCOUT…(YOU DO REMEMBER OUR UNITFORMS) THAT BEING PREPARED MEANS LOTS AND LOTS OF WALLYWORLD BAGS…THEY HOLD ANYTHING! AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING…..
YOU CAN MOUNT A SHOWER CURTAIN ON A HULLA-HOOP AND PUT IT ON THE BOAT….INSTANT PRIVACY!!! DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE SOUND THE BELLY LAUGHS WILL DROWN OUT THE PEE NOISE!!! I AM GREEN WITH ENVY!!!!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Yes, if we want to paint our Depends GOLD–or pank–we could just wear THEM–with nothing over them! How hilarious would THAT be? A boat load of diaper-wearing big ass lunatics–I could pee my pants laughing at the THOUGHT of it! The shower curtain is a great idea-but I like the pank diapers better, I think!
August 20th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I too am just dying laughing!!! I cannot wait to see the video of the gator hunting but I almost think the Depends Test Dranking partay will be just about as much fun!!! So glad Ellyn is joining as the funny level just went way up!
August 21st, 2009 at 11:46 am
Between Ellyn and Jeffrey–I need Depends just thinking about it! I would like to order the funnel thing for Ellyn–I can just HEAR her reaction to THAT!
August 24th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
so. I missed the hunt. I missed ellyn, I missed katie christmas, I missed it all, damn shit hell
do over is called for. get them back in town
August 28th, 2009 at 9:34 am
PIPPA–DUUUHHHH–the Gaytor Hunt is SEPTEMBER 18-19. Go back to bed.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I cannot read all this Squealer stuff, as I have had an irrational (or is it?) fear of gators for YEARS.
In fact, when I was in college, Drama Queen Christine tore the Lubriderm ad (with a gator on it) out of a magazine and taped it to the wall by my bed while I was sleeping, so it was the first thing I saw when I woke up the next morning. PURE EVIL. I was traumatized.
So I just want all of y’all to survive the trip, while I ignore the details. =)
Love,
Kimmy