BEST LAID PLANS…
Posted July 14th, 2009 by Jill Conner BrowneWe made the decision to move Mama out of the nursing home where she has (allegedly) been receiving hospice care (you say “hospice”, I say “HA!”) –and just bring her HOME–and so, of course, after months of not a drop of rain, NOW it is raining like a mad bastard and rain is forecast all week. I guess God and Mama have got some kinda plan working here but they ain’t neither one of ‘em giving out any HINTS.
I so appreciate all the thoughts and prayers–and I do SO look forward to having some GOOD TIMES with y’all again soon! It just occurred to me yesterday, I have not worked since March 27–when Mama fell the first time. Since then, literally every single appearance has had to be cancelled because she was just too sick for me to leave her. A chaplain came by her room the other day–he’d been in several times before and every time he’s come, Kyle and I have both been there. We chatted a bit and then he looked at us and asked, “Do y’all have JOBS?” It was pretty funny–I’m sure he was wondering just where it is that we work that lets us both off for months on end!
She is at Death’s Very Door–but so far, she ain’t budgin’ either way. We think we’re ready for a move in either direction–but this threshold thing is really frustrating–so hard, hell–IMPOSSIBLE to know WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR HER??? One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus…
38 Responses to “BEST LAID PLANS…”
July 14th, 2009 at 8:34 am
been there, girl. BE STRONG!
July 14th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Jill! Being with you, her fantastic daughter, is one of the best things you can do for her!! Praying for you and your family!
July 14th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Jill, My heart is just aching for you, and I wish there was a way for me to help you. You have my prayers, of course. This is so much like what I went through with my Dad this time last year. And yes, I’ve got a real good idea of what you’re going through.
It sounds like you’re focusing on the right things. For me, it was just a matter of deciding on what was really important. Dad – YES. Work – not so much. I was frustrated while I was trying to do both. Once I made it clear in my mind that loving and caring for Dad were the only things that I really needed to do – I was able to function much better. And when you know there isn’t a lot of time left with the person you love, it really does put things in perspective.
God bless you and your Momma. And thank God you’ve got Kyle!
July 14th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Make the most of every minute you have with your Mom, even the bad, sick moments are a blessing. My prayers are with you and your family.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Not too long before my Mama went she was lying in the hospital bed working a crossword puzzle. I walked in from a six hour drive and she said “You better hurry on down to Rafferty’s RIGHT NOW! They have leopard skirts on sale!” There is no moral to this story, except possibly that right up the very end they love and are concerned about their baby girls and want them to look queenly NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances!
July 14th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Jill I know you will have the strength to get through this very difficult time, I hope your Mama is ok and she knows she is well loved. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you
Please don’t forget to take care of yourself, and thanks so much for sharing with all of us everything you are going through. You are an inspiration, as always. Hang in there girl, and as always LOVE YA!!!!!
July 14th, 2009 at 9:02 am
sweet Jill…you are doing everything “right” by just loving her and having her close to you and your husband in your home. Home cooking, TV, bickering, laughing, and loving, that’s the best medicine! Hugs to you my favorite Queen!
July 14th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Jill,
I know what it’s like. I put my life on hold for 8 months to care for my husband. He never spent a night in the hospital and died in our bedroom on a bright January morning … holding my hand.
It’s something we do without looking for an answer.
My prayers are with you.
(My Mamma died in 1986 and I still miss her)
love and hugs
Tommye Cashin
St. Simons Island, Ga
July 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
my thoughts and prays are with you. my family has been there. my family spent all summer last year at the hospice center with my grandma. the staff was wonderful. sadly, my grandma died last august. stay in there. mama is a strong womam. you never know. y’all are lucky to have each other and know you are loved. thank you for making us feel like we are a part of your family. your mama stories have made me laugh and cry. keep us up on the news and know you are loved.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Jill my thoughts and prayers are with you, Kyle and your mama during this difficult time. I am sure she is delighted to just have you by her side. Many prayers coming your way! XOXO
July 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Thank y’all so much. I was praying for PATIENCE this morning. When a nurse woke us up at 4–for no reason, just came in the WRONG DOOR–and Mama wanted this and that and the other thing–move this, no move it again, no move it back–and on and on–and I’m half asleep and can’t find my glasses and I’m IRRITABLE about it.
And as I asked God to GIVE ME PATIENCE RIGHT NOW! It came to me about how many tiny actions and movements we all make, every minute of every day, without thinking about it. And I remember in grade school when we were learning some basic stuff about our bodies and they told us how MANY things are actually going on inside our bodies and brains, without us even knowing it, every time we even MOVE A FINGER.
And then I thought–what must it be like–to be fully conscious–and KNOW that you want to pull that sheet up around your shoulder–but you just CAN’T MAKE YOUR HAND DO IT–and so you have to ask somebody ELSE to do it for you.
And then, you KNOW your water is RIGHT THERE–and you’re SOOO THIRSTY and you want just a little drink and ALLLLL you have to DO is reach over there, a few inches, and pick up that little bottle and suck on that little straw–BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE YOUR HAND DO IT–and sometimes, even when somebody does it for you, and puts that straw in your mouth–YOU CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO SUCK ON THE STRAW–and you KNOW you’re SUPPOSED to do SOMETHING–but you just CAN’T–and you’re SOOOO THIRSTY…
And I got a little more patient.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Jill, Kyle, Bailey and Judy – My thoughts and prayers are with you all as you watch your mama standing on the threshold between you and your/her beloved Daddy. I’m sure you are doing everything right and your Mama loves you for it. I guess death is lot like birth – they just make the transition when they are good and ready and don’t really consult us, do they?
July 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I came to your website to email a picture of men in manpris
and found this sad news. Please know that lots of folks are praying for your Mom and family. You always manage to inspire me with your insights.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Clint Black had it right: Love isn’t something that we feel, it’s something that we do. Just sitting in her room – just sleeping in her room – is an act of love.
All of you are in my prayers, Candalicious
July 14th, 2009 at 9:54 am
When Grandma’s kidneys failed, my mom and aunt brought her home from the hospital and got good hospice casre for her. (If yours is sub-standard, you might shop for another hospice service. There are good ones out there.)
This was when Mom was taking chemo for breast cancer. She and my aunt got in-home help to bathe Grandma, sit up with her at night, etc. It freed everyone up so they could actually spend extra time with her without getting exhausted, especially Mom. I was over there when not at work, fetching and carrying food so they didn’t have to cook.
Grandma stayed as happy and comfortable as possible till the end. Sometimes you do what you gotta.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:55 am
MARTHA–SEND ME THE PHOTO OF THE MANPRIS–IF EVER I NEEDED A LAUGH, IT’S NOW!!! Thanks so much for thinking of ME when you saw them! xxooj.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:56 am
You are so great to her Jill. I’m so sorry.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:33 am
God Bless You ALL! As always you inspire us all. Keeping you in my prayers.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Jill, You are walking in the same shoes I was a year and a half ago. I know every emotion you are going through, and there really isn’t anything I can say that will make this any easier. I sought comfort in great memories and the stories others shared about my own Momma. Love of family and friends and your belief in God will help guide you through this. Please know that you all are in our daily prayers, and take the time to cherish each and every moment you have right now.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Jill, I thought of you this morning when my granddaughter asked if she could have a picnic for lunch and, when I approved, she asked if she could substitute her vegetables at the picnic for brownies. Obviously, she is a southern girl who knows chocolate is good for you, so you should work it in when you can. I hope today is a good day for you and your family! If not, chocolate might make it feel better!!! Take care!
July 14th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Jill…you have so much love and so many prayers going your way that I know you’ll come through this hard time just fine. It’s tough right now, but knowing that you’re taking care of your Mom and showing her how much you love her will bring you consolation when she’s no longer with you.
God bless you and your family…
July 14th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Jill and Kyle, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Jill, it’s easy to see where you get your strength. I’m sure Mama is much happier and more comfortable in a real home, surrounded by people she loves and who love her. You’ll always be glad you were able to give her what she needs at this most difficult stage of her life. My daddy died at home, lying in his own bed, surrounded by his family, with his favorite tabby cat curled against his side. It was the most peaceful, perfect transition imaginable, and exactly “right”. Love and peace to you.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
My great-grandma fell last year and broke her pelvis. She was put in Leak Memorial at Carthage, and then to UMC in Jackson. She did good at home for a while, but she also had Alzheimer’s. She got to where she wouldn’t eat or drink and had to go back to the hospital in Carthage because she was dehydrated. They sent her to the Senior Care floor in Neshoba General, right where I lived. I loved going by to see her everyday on my way to work and on my way home. When the family finally sent her to the Nursing Home in Carthage, she refused to eat ANYTHING. She went back to Leake Memorial and then to Hospice in His Hands. I would go fix her hair and trim her fingernails. It got to where she didn’t remember me anymore. Every time she saw me, she would look around like she was trying to hide from someone. Then she would lean in real close and whisper, “I’ve got 5 bucks for you if you’d just take me home.” I couldn’t help but laugh! Sometimes I cried too, it’s so sad to see Mamaw in a place like that and she can’t remember who you are, much less who she is.
She aspirated her breakfast one morning in November last year, and it was over from there. She died the Saturday before Thanksgiving with family beside her.
I deal with this all the time at work with my patients. I knew what was happening to my Mamaw, and was expecting some things. But all that training goes out the window when it’s your family.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Jill,hunny, as you tole me Just do the NEXT right thing. And as someone else said, get some help so you can get some rest and so YOUR time with Mama is more relaxing. Hospice Ministries was wonderful to my Daddy. And they will help you with Hospice at Home if that’s what you want. Don’t forget to take care of you, too. Love and hugs to you all.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
There are no rules for this situation so there can be no right or wrong. Go with the gut and trust the heart. Prayers are with you and yours.
July 14th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I remember when my mother-in-love,(my husband’s stepmother), was in the hospital. We came to say our goodbyes and yet she held on. It was difficult to be away from my babies, but she needed me more. As the women in my family gathered around her and cared for her, she became lucid and smiled. She told us that her(deceased)husband was holding her and that they were dancing. She left this earth and our loving arms and rejoined the love of her life in heaven. I miss her every day, but how can you be upset with that?
I don’t know how long you have with your Mama. It takes as long as it takes. Look at this time as a gift. Even if it grates on your last ever lovin’ nerve. When you look back on this time, the little things won’t matter. Prayers for you and yours.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Jill,
I wanted you to know that I have been keeping up with you and your mother on Facebook and your blog, and I am so, so sorry that you and your mother are going through so much travail right now. My mother died seven years ago; quite suddenly, from a staph infection following open heart surgery which she had had six weeks previously, and from which she initially appeared to be recuperating very well. Little did we know that she had occurred a staph infection; she only showed symptoms about 48 hours before she died. Well-meaning friends told me that I should feel grateful, that I didn’t have to spend weeks, or months, or years by the bedside of ailing parent. Well, I was absolutely bereft! I felt deprived of the chance to spend time with her, nursing her, preparing myself for her loss; I wanted to have the chance to feed her and sleep in the hospital beside her and take care of her every little need…it would have brought me joy and solace. The suddenness of her death never gave me that chance to repay her for all the tender, patient, unconditional love she had given me and my six brothers and sisters. I hurt for you and for your mother, but there are many of us who would love to be in your shoes, as ridiculous as that may sound, who would relish the chance to bring love and comfort to their mothers. God has given you abundant patience and strength for all that you are enduring, and you are the best daughter in the world for dealing with your mother with such love and humor. Your friends appreciate your sharing with us your thoughts and emotions. Again, it sounds downright stupid, but I envy you for having this opportunity to shower your mother with love and comfort; all the rest of your life I know you will never regret the commitment that this is requiring of you. My love to you and Kyle, who is doing such a great job of being by your side through all of this. Cecilia
July 14th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Dear Jill — most royal of Queens!
Just close your eyes and remember the Great Gathering of Royal Women that you yourveryownself inspired to congregate in Jackson this past Spring and know that eachandeveryoneofus is with you right now. You are the one to take care of Mama, but we are here to take care of You. Hunny — you are loved. And thank you for sharing your Mama with those of us whose mamas are gone to Heaven. Just think what a Pee-Rade we will have up there!!!!!!! God bless us all.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Wow– the patience thing gives me pause. Great insight.
Love you,
kd
July 15th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Missed things for a couple of days…computer problems.
I am glad y’all brought her home…It will actually be easier, in my opinion…for everybody.
Hospital or Nursing Home is no place for anybody to actually get any REST !
Been where you are several times now, Jill.
It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but in hindsight…Lord, those last days (however many there were) sure flew by fast…
Love her up all you can…you’ll treasure every minute later, a hundred times more than you do right now.
Keeping y’all in my prayers.
Sandy
July 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Keeping y’all in my prayers, such a rough time. You have so many people that care, just look at these posts! You’re very blessed, and you and your sister are lucky to have a good Momma in your life.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s a tough thing. Glad you have all kinds of support, especially what you described Kyle doing. And I loved the Patience Post. It was perfect.
My cousin recently went through something similar with her mama. Her mama just passed about a month ago at age 99, about 2 weeks after her birthday.
Take care,
Laura
July 15th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
The best thing you can do for your mamma is to be there with her. I know first hand what’s you’re going through darlin and my prayers are with you.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
wow! This is really heavy stuff and my heart is heavy for you. I’m new to the whole SPQ environment, but not new to what you are describing. The law firm I work at is an elder law firm and as a result of my job I see people dealing with your exact struggles on a weekly basis. Just today even a husband came to our office in tears with what he has been through the past few weeks with his wife who he now describes as “someone else”. I thought I would cry. Stay strong Jill! What an awesome gift of love you are giving to your Mama. God Bless!
July 16th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Precious Jill,
What a wonderful thing you are doing for your mama, having her at home. I hope the hospice is helpful for mama & you. If not, seek one out that is. We are having that in our own family, down in Aberdeen. Let folks help you when they offer, then you can devote your time to your mama, that is how it should be. I just read “American Thighs”…thank you for helping me laugh during my troubled times, wish I could do something for you. I do continue to pray for y’all everyday.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Jill,
Re: Your Patience blog entry
My grandmother was becoming dehydrated while on home hospice, as a nurse, I noticed it. I kept offering her water with her straw, encouraging her to sip. She was lucid at times. Then almost comatose. Then at the end of the day, she looked at me, with those still beautiful blue eyes and said “Why, are we drinking all this water for?” “I am going to piss all over the bed” and we both had a big laugh. You never know what these days will bring. Just be there.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I just had to share a story of my grandma and the last time I visited her in the nursing home. My mom and I were talking about when she and my aunt were teenagers, cause Grandma had excellent long-term memory, but no short-term memory. Anyway, Mom said she and her sister never did any more work around the house than needed to be done, and out of nowhere, Grandma piped up and said ‘you two didn’t always do what needed to be done either!’ Then she giggled like she hadn’t giggled in months. We all three just laughed till we cried. That will be one of my favorite memories of her. She passed away two weeks ago at the age of 94. God Bless Her, and God Bless you and your family Jill!