OH DEAR GOD! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST EV-ER!
Posted May 5th, 2009 by Jill Conner BrowneJust now–at approximately 6:30 pm CDT–a seemingly innocent and very attractive young woman slunk up to my VERY FRONT DOOR–way out here just to the left of the center of Nowhere–and she just smiled so SUH-WEET and handed The Former Cutest Boy in the World a big fancy box with a big fancy bow and I heard her say, in that SHU-GAH-DRIPPIN’ VOICE of hers, “You be sure and watch your wife open this box, now!” And off she slunk.
The attached card said, “After reading your blog today, I just couldn’t resist.” And it was signed by some anonymous Evil Henchman, presumably this young woman.
I opened this big fancy box that sly wench delivered to my FRONT DOOR–and guess what I found inside?
CROCS–WITH PINK CRAP ON ‘EM–FOR ME! AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
For putrid photographic evidence, go look at my FACEBOOK page–PREPARE TO GAG!
I guess I’ll just pull all my teeth and get me some short shorts and a tank top that says, “A LITTLE POONTANG NEVER HURT ANYBODY!”
28 Responses to “OH DEAR GOD! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST EV-ER!”
May 5th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Great googly moogly. They must be destroyed.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Poor baby!! There, there. Just because someone gave then to you doesn’t mean you have to wear them. I’m sure Goodwill would love to have them!
May 5th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I can’t get ANY of our THREE dogs to eat them!
May 5th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Nope. Now what you have to do is start really complaining – loudly and frequently about how the only thing uglier than Crocs are Jimmy Chou shoes. You’d never, ever, ever be caught dead in those godawful ugly things and nobody should ever, ever, ever try to force you to wear them. Not enough money in the world to get your feet in a pair.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:25 am
I completely agree, girlfriend ! I don’t care how comfortable they are, Crocs are as ugly as Birkenstocks . . . they look like the wearer has unknowingly stepped into a huge pile of discarded bubble gum . . . sorta like walking around with a long piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe, ya know?
Because Crocs are plastic, I suppose you could wear them around the pool or in a shower, but that’s really what flipflops are for, right?
May 6th, 2009 at 6:39 am
When you add to this mess the fact that my feet are on the largish side–largish for feet, actually somewhat SMALL when compared to the REST of me–but on their own, they ain’t your basic 6 1/2s–well, the shoes take on epic horror proportions. Just about anything is cute in size tiny–but take the same thing and blow it up to a 10 and the cute factor is completely torn asunder. These is the ugliest thangs I ever done seed.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:21 am
You poor dear! Bless your heart. You know you could save them and Auction them for a good cause! Somebody somewhere must actually like the darn things or surely to goodness they would have gone bankrupt by now (Everything else has)
May 6th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Maybe next time you head to a beach, take the dam’ things along and leave ‘em there. With luck, some poor, color-blind person with no fashion sense will pick them up with glee. Just as long as you don’t have to see them any more.
You have my deepest sympathy.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:41 am
God God !
Goodwill !
Good Riddance !
May 6th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Wait a minute . . . in all the fury over those shoes, which should be burned immediately and the ashes scattered over the parking lot of Camo . . . something is just slipping by: FORMER Cutest Boy In the World? He may be married, now, but I’ve seen recent pictures . . . I’d say he still holds the title.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Damon Lee–you must go back and read the blog post before this one! That’s how this whole hideous mess got started!
May 6th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Okay, having now read all the information, all I can say is, you MUST IMMEDIATELY add his crocs to the fire! He must be saved from himself! Tell him the gay fashion police are coming for him, and if he doesn’t remove them AT ONCE we will remove them for him, and he doesn’t want to know what will happen after that!
May 6th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
HHAHAHAHAHAA! I think this is HILARIOUS. I can’t wait to see them– too bad you didn’t have them in West Point when we were there. HAHHAHAHHAHAA!!
May 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Ok, I’ve got to take a photo of HIS–but that means I’ll have to take them out of hiding and let him put them ON again–which I had not planned to do, ever in this life. Unless I photographed his croc’d feet sticking out of the chipper/shredder. I will make ONE exception, for photo’s sake–but if he tries to wear ‘em outta the house–or even IN the house–it’s the chipper/shredder for him! The deal I signed on for was with The Cutest Boy in the World–NOT WITH CROC BOY!
May 6th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Tulsasluts wore pink camo dresses in the parade this year and our white boots weren’t as comfy as you suggested. Maybe pink camo crocs in the parade? Or would we be forever banished, HRH???
May 6th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Did you get your boots from Gotham? Were they leather? Did you wear socks? But in answer to your question, no, you wouldn’t be banned for wearing Unfortunate Footwear–I mean, you’ve SEEN OUR OUTFITS, right? bwahahaha! There is absolutely NO pot us kettles could call black!
May 7th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Fishing shoes – I’m stickin with my theory.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:00 am
That rat bastid BOBBY COLE, who gave The Erstwhile Cutest Boy in the World those wretched crocs that started all this, has now offered the suggestion that NEXT YEAR AT JELL-O WRASSLIN’–Kyle should wear the vomit-shoes WITH the orange thong! OOOO-yippee.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Jill, I couldn’t resist giving these shoes to you as my little personal gift after reading your blog about Kyle’s lovely plastic shoes. They were just sitting in my possession after I bought these sweet little soft pink sqooshy shooos and had not put them to good use (you’re lucky I hadn’t wore them yet!) and who better to wear them, than you, the Boss Queen! Enjoy, they are wonderfully comfortable!!
May 7th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Oh, Susannah! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! Really, I mean it–YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS THING! Because NOW, I am in the position of having to figure out a way to PROPERLY REPAY THIS KINDNESS…Do I detect a tremor?
May 7th, 2009 at 11:17 am
ha, yes, more than you know! I’ll gladly let you re-gift my gift back to me! they’re perfect for when you’re washing your car! you know on our side of our lovely lake, it is perfectly acceptable to leave a flamin’ bag o’ dog poo at one’s front door, ring the doorbell and run! my deepest apologies for offending you with my gift! I beg the fuhgiveness of your Highness!
May 7th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Tell Bobby Cole that Kyle will have to hunt another orange thong ’cause he ain’t gettin this one back!
And no…please don’t let him outta the house with THOSE “shoes” on! He’s too cute for that! Y’all could auction them off next year though. I am sure somebody’d like to walk a mile in your shoes!
May 7th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
You could auction them off as “gently worn by jill” and give the proceeds to the chiren. My size 12′s wouldn’t look very ladylike in those! My feet in plastic? No way.
Poor dear. Probably thought she was doing a good deed!
May 7th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Lordy! Those crocs remind me of my very own unfortunate fashion disaster of the 80′s – jelly shoes. Those gorgeous things left semi-permanent indentations on my feet and made them nice and filthy.
The most horrifying thing about crocs are those god awful charms one can puchase to adorn the shoes. As if they needed to be any uglier!
May 8th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
OOOOH! I forgot we auctioned off Kyle’s Orange Thong! Just gonna have to make him a NEW ONE! Something that goes with fugly shoes!
They are kinda like jellies only worse!
May 11th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I can’t believe they really fit anyone. One has to have really fat toes it looks like to me. Now, the croc flip-flops ain’t to bad.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:02 am
OMG!!!!!!!!! BIRTH CONTROL SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
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